Ultimatums In Relationships - Yay or Nay?


 


 So I was reading a recent article which lightly bordered on a possible ultimatum in the writer's relationship. Responses to the article were interesting enough that I thought it a must to write on the subject of ultimatums. Below are a few points to ponder on ultimatums.

When ultimatums are given is the issuer generally regarded as a manipulator who wants to hopefully drive a relationship in a direction that one party isn't ready  or interested to go?


Are ultimatums a way to ensure that one does not waste their time in getting to what they want? If so, is it best for said individual to issue the ultimatum to themselves instead  of imposing it on someone else?


Would you agree that adults who know what they want don't need ultimatums? Since they keep their eyes on what they want and keep working towards it? In that case making ultimatums for fickle people who are neither here nor there and may need  nudge in the right direction?


Have you issued an ultimatum in a relationship before or have you been on the receiving end of an ultimatum? Do share your thoughts.

67 comments:

  1. Ultimatums don't work never had for me anyway

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  2. You should never give an ultimatum in a relationship. You and your partner need to discuss what your wants and make a decision about relationship from that.

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  3. I personally believe that most relationships, romantic or otherwise, are about compromise. However, there are certain things in life (My personal and professional goals, etc) that I would not give up for another person. I know that now so I would not get into a romantic relationship with a person that would require me to change those.

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  4. I don't like it when someone imposseing on my space, I do understand that sometimes one has to push a bit
    in order to get the other person to speak out to what they really want, But in all , I think compromising is
    what any relationship is about,
    @tisonlyme143

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  5. No I never issued a ultimatum with my husband and I am grateful that he is the kind of man that I never had to do that. However, before I married my husband, I dated a guy who drank too much and yes, I told him that he had to stop drinking to see me. He refused and I ended the relationship. He is a drunk, now in jail, for killing two innocent people while driving.

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  6. No ultimatums allowed in your relationship!!! You both have to give and forgive!

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  7. To me ultimatums usually never work, even when you are dealing with kids. Now, as partners in a relationship you have to be prepared for give and take. That is the only way things will truly work out.

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  8. Ultimatums are something that we're prone to do when we're younger, I think. They usually never work!
    ~ Kim Pincombe Cole

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  9. Relationships should never involve ultimatums. It will bring nothing but anger and bitterness,not to mention resentment!
    Marilyn

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  10. If you issue an ultimatum, be prepared to follow through. Or just be prepared to leave, since if it gets that bad, it won't ever change.

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  11. I like to make them but that doesn't mean anyone ever listens, lol. I guess I just like to hear myself. My husband and I are best friends though seriously and have been with each other for 20 years.

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  12. When I was much younger and dating my ow husband I basically issued an ultimatum about marriage. I look back and though things worked out very well for us, I feel terrible about it. Thankfully my husband remembers it differently. I agree that adults that are secure in themselves don't need ultimatums because they just act or don't act- there's no need for another person to act or react to fill an emotional need.

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  13. As a widow I look back and wish I never gave my hubby a ultimatum. But at the time I thought it would help our relationship. Now I look back and miss him so so much. I wish I had done so many things different. Think before you leap :)

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  14. I have not been successful in giving ultimatums. Especially in personal relationships.

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  15. I do not think a relationship can last on ultimatums.
    For example; "marry me or we are through" is regarded as a manipulation and it should be based on love not an ultimatum.

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  16. I honestly think at some point you have to tell that other person that it's this or that. Like people sometimes need to be reminded that there are consequences to their behavior. With that being said, you need to be able to back up your mouth... It does no good if you don't take action.

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  17. I think an ultimatum is great because it forces the other party to make up their mind. Time's not wasted and people can move on with their lives.

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  18. I have not issued an ultimatum in my relationship. I don't think they work

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  19. I would never issue a ultimatum, it backs people into a corner and isn't fair.

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  20. Ultimatums never work! I like to think honesty and good communication work much better.

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  21. I don't think an ultimatum should ever be brought up in a relationship- it will just cause resentment within the relationship!!

    thanks!

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  22. I believe that ultimatums shouldn't be used for manipulation or general control. I have myself issues them in the form of a hard boundary, though. When it comes to addiction, abuse, etc. sometime's you're forced to say "I won't tolerate this unhealthy behavior. If it doesn't change, I will leave." Such a thing isn't said or done lightly and was only as a last resort with 100% intention and meaning behind it.

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  23. I for one don't believe that ultimatums should be given or used. I believe in discussing the situation with the persons involved and come up to an agreement. If no agreement can be made, then maybe everyone should go their own way.

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  24. I think that ultimatums in a relationship typically lead to demise. At least this has been the case for me. I do like the idea of possibly redirecting the ultimatum towards yourself if the situation would call for one at all. My take is to try to turn a "what would be an ultimatum" into some sort of compromise instead.

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  25. I'm not a fan of ultimatums, I think t g at issues should be worked out in a better way. That being said I've used an ultimatum when a boyfriend of mine began partying way too hard and it was severely affecting our lives. He reacted angrily as I expected but I was out of options. We broke up and finally some time later hus family convinced him to get help. It was heartbreaking but even though we don't speak and I miss him, I know he's healthy. Looking back I wouldn't have used the ultimatum without trying harder but I was so worn down.

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  26. I wouldn't deal with an ultimatum. I have never been given one and would issue one. I have told me daughters if someone issues one, walk away.

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  27. I might have ultimatums in my head, but they are not something I really talk about, or they could change. I guess I have things like if my husband were abusive would I leave him, or etc, but he is not. I guess for me they are more like what would I be willing to put up with in a marriage. I am married to a great guy and have never felt the need to have those in a marriage, I mean we really hardly need to compromise, we talk and work out the kinks in the problem till we have a satisfactory resolution.

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  28. I don't think it is a good idea. People are who they are. An ultimatum is just a negative threat.

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  29. Ultimatums never work in a relationship. I was married for 13 yes and my now ex-husband was anot awful alcoholic. (Not to mention felandering tendencies that I didn't know about till the end) I did issue him an Ultimatum to completely stop drinking or I would file for divorce. All that did was delay the inevitable and create extreme resentment towards me. In the end, it's NEVER healthy for relationships to include ultimatums. They will just come back to bite you in the a$$!

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  30. REALLY CAN'T COMMENT ON THIS. BECAUSE I'M GOING THROUGH MY OWN STUFF.

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  31. REALLY CAN'T COMMENT ON THIS. BECAUSE I'M GOING THROUGH MY OWN STUFF.

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  32. Ultimatums don't work. Almost like relationship blackmail, which is never a good thing. Better to
    discuss if you have a problem with something, and ways to work it out. Doesn't mean that it will get worked out, but
    at least it's done in an Adult manner and the two people can put it all on the table and decide where to go from there.

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  33. Wrong, right, or indifferent ultimatums are used in relationships and deciding if I think it is right or wrong isn't really my business unless it involves me. I feel that how an ultimatum is used is key. It can be used for the good to come to the person rather than in a manipulative way, in which case I see nothing wrong with it. I think they have to be looked at in each situation to determine wether i think they are good or not good.

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  34. I never give ultimatum's. Being honest and communicating what you want/need is the best way to go. sometimes things aren't going the way you want, then you must decide what you want is it to wait, change your goals or move on.

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  35. I have say ultimatums are not a good thing in a relationship. It can destroy a relationship for sure.

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  36. I don't think that ultimatums are a healthy thing. If you feel an issue is important, it should be made known, but it is important to realize that change comes better with positive responses to action.

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  37. I don't think Ultimatums are a good thing in relationships, it would just cause problems.

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  38. Ultimatums are not normally good for a relationship. The only time I can say that I would use it is if my husband were addicted to alcohol or drugs. Or cheeting. At some point, you have to pick to get better. I'd do everything in my power to help him and be there for him. The ultimatum would be the last resort.

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  39. Ultimatums can be good if they are given for the good of both parties. Most of the time they are soley for manipulation.

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  40. Ultimatums can bite you in the butt if you are not serious about them, and sometimes even then.

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  41. I think ultimatums can be a good way to make sure you don't waste your time. But if you want to give one, you have to be prepared to accept either outcome.

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  42. I think it depends on the situation. Sometimes an ultimatum may be the best option. Compromise is important in any relationship as well.

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  43. Well it depends really, I'm not a fan of it and sometimes people will choose the latter just to save face so with that in mind it really depends on the situation. Either to wake up someone from a wrong decision or choice but get ready like I said they choose the latter. HAPPY 2016!!!!

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  44. I have had ultimatums put out to me before, and all it did was drive me in the opposite direction. I think that is a natural reaction for most people. When you really love someone, it should be for who they are, not for who you want them to be, so if you feel the need to issue ultimatums, maybe you should step back and try to see the situation from another viewpoint, or consider rethinking the relationship.

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  45. Ultimatums don't seem to work on me or anyone I've known. It reminds me of that episode of Lucy when Ricky gives Lucy an ultimatum and she yells "AN ULTIMATUM?!" and then she turns to Ethel who says "well I'm not surprised" and Lucy replies "I am! I didn't think he knew how to pronounce the word" lol

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  46. I don't like ultimatums in any situation. I always feel there is a better to way to handle things no matter what the situation is. I've never been given or have given an ultimatum in a relationship. No good for any relationship.

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  47. Ultimatums just never seem to work.

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  48. Ultimatums always seem to make thing worse.I feel the person issuing the ultimatum should take a good look at them self any figure out why they are unhappy and make the changes that well bring peace in their life.

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  49. Ultimatums are a waste of time,in my experience,but for others they MIGHT work,in any case....a good heart to heart might work better,without any ultimatums ;)

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  50. No, I personally think they do not work and possibly can make a situation worse and make people resentful. I have had some where they gave me an ultimatum or else, I chose the or else. Jodi Wresh CIAwoman66@yahoo.com

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  51. Honestly, I have given an ultimatum to my husband of 21 years & he DID NOT LIKE IT AT ALL! :) This was in the beginning of our marriage & I liked things my way but after alot of lessons, we don't need ultimatums or whatever. We talk about our issues & it's ok if we don't resolve things that moment or even day. We have the rest of our lives to figure it out if you know what I mean!

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  52. Honestly, I have given an ultimatum to my husband of 21 years & he DID NOT LIKE IT AT ALL! :) This was in the beginning of our marriage & I liked things my way but after alot of lessons, we don't need ultimatums or whatever. We talk about our issues & it's ok if we don't resolve things that moment or even day. We have the rest of our lives to figure it out if you know what I mean!

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  53. To me a relationship is about each other. Giving an ultimatum to me means my way or the highway. Definitely not my style of marriage, or relationship for that matter!

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  54. WHY GIVE ULTIMATUM WHEN EASIER FOR YOU TO JUST WALK DUH HOLLO SLOW NOT STUPID THE THING CHANGE BEFORE RELATIONS GO FURTHER OLD NOT STUPID

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  55. Setting ultimatums when I was younger was something I would have done. I think it was my way of having control over matters. As I matured, I've learned that they do not work. I believe a good relationship comes with compromise by both parties and ultimately agreements after having honest discussions on issues.

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  56. yes on ultimatums. I think like in all things certain things and lines cant be crossed. If youre inn a good relationship you should know those lines but not all do. Some can stand more than otherss and some have to be told how far something can go.

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  57. I understand the point of ultimatums and how they could be a good thing. However I believe you and the other person should figure it out by yourself. Honesty is the best way.

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  58. I think its a no no unless it has to do with health or safety. You have to trust your partner.

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  59. my husbsand and i have set rules that we agree upon. other than that we have no need of an ultimatum, they dont' work anyway.

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  60. Relationships are hard! However, as long as boundaries are clearly understood, I don't think ultimatums should be a factor. Healthy relationships don't usually come automatically and require constant effort.

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  61. I don't think ultimatums work. They may seem to make a difference temporarily, but not long term. People need to make their own decisions regarding changes in their lives.

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  62. Ultimatums make it hard. Unfortunately, they are sometimes the only way to make a situation work.

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  63. I don't usually think ultimatums work, however I can see where they could be necessary. If you have exhausted all other avenues and it is a last resort, I can see putting it out there, but try everything else first.

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  64. ultimaturns never work. I have seen it for myself it seems to back fire.

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  65. I haven't issued or received an ultimatum before. I don't think it would work for me.

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  66. I understand the point of ultimatums and how they could be a good thing... However I believe you and the other person should figure it out by yourself. Honesty is the best way...!!!
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